I've been feeling really alone lately.. I need to writ eup a resume. As often as i tell myself this, it never seems to happen. I'm gonna end up with a job I don't even want to do if I don't do this. Which will only make me feel worse. Who wants to work with dirt all day? Fucking dirt. Get all fucking black and dirty. LIke honestly.. 10-12 hours a day.. I don't think so.

It has come to my attention that everyone in my family has someone to be with but me. I find myself constantly being reminded of this.. and it gets to me more and more everytime I think about it. With all the problems I have with myself.. I don't see this getting any better. Even with the person I like now... I really don't see it happening. But who knows.. maybe things will be different.

It seems these days I find more and more things that I hate about myself.. I really can't think of very many things that are good about  me anymore..

yet another thing I've found out that is wrong with me.. I hate to ask but what else can there be wrong?

I feel so confused right now..

I don't know what to do with myself.. I don't know how I want to feel. HOw to act. What to do. I just don't know. All I  know, is I want to be happy..

I want to live free. I want to be able to not have to worry anymore. Just live life the way it should be lived. It seems too much like a dream..

A dream that will never come true. A fantasy, but never a reality. It's like wanting to fly. You want to do it so bad, but you  know you're just going to fall, hoping that someone will catch you before you hit the ground.

I  miss the old days where I didn't care. I find myself always wondering. Worried. Is there something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Is it me, or is it the world.. or maybe its nothing at all.

I'm trapped. In my head, my brain, my heart. I'm stuck and I have no where to go. a million roads to choose, but which one is right? who to follow? Who to lead? Where will it lead to? failure, or success?

a million thoughts at once. Love. What does love mean.. when you say it, how do you mean it? Did she mean it? <i>Did <b>I</b> mean it?</i> <u><i>How did I mean it?</i></u> So many questions. Is this it? Or just another fall?

I can be such an asshole. I make such an ass out of myself. Whether I'm dishing it or defending myself.. I always look stupid. I need to learn to just ignore people. Fuck them. They aren't better then me. No one is better then me. I'm better off without them in my life. Less worries and stress in my life is better.

A change is in need.. what kind of change? Will it be good? Will be bad? Can it get any worse? Is it for the best? <i>Do I have the balls to do it?</i> I never seem to be able to.. why would it be any different now?

Life is full of questions. Life is full of unwanted answers to these questions. Because of that, life is fill with questions that are never answered. All these questions have answers.. but I'm not sure if I want to answer them or know the answers to them. I just want to forget it all, and be happy. Won't someone please just make me happy.. That's all I'm asking for. Thats the only question I want to ask. Won't someone <b>please</b> just make me happy?


And all will be good.



Maybe

As each day passes
I die a little.
As each day passes
I cry a little.
Just hoping for once, that things will change
Hoping for once, I won't be the blame.
Hoping for once, that it'll never be the same
Never again, until the day I remain
Maybe, just maybe..

Wishes are untrue
Dreams are overdue
Nothing is ever new
Not to me, not to you.



As each day passes
I die a little
As each day passes
I lie a little
Making is appear everything is okay
Hoping to just get through the day.
Hoping that maybe, I'll get washed away.
Far deep into the great big sea
Maybe, just maybe, that is what's best for me.

Wishes are untrue
Dreams are overdue
Nothing is ever new
Not to me, not to you.

And you ask me, will I make it out alive?
What is alive?
When you live each day on the end?
Or is it when you have problems you just can't mend.
Whatever it is, its not the life for me.
For you see,
Between you and me,
It's easier to pretend
And hope that god one day sends me
Away, to be free.

Wishes are untrue
Dreams are overdue
Nothing is ever new
Not to me, not to you.

What a tough day today was. I'm not going to go into detail about what happened. Some people know, some dont. THe ones who don't know will probably never know. All I can say is life shits on me all the time. I try to look up and I get slammed down. Any second I think thing are going good, I get nailed with reality. That's the biggest problem in living a fantasy. Eventually reality wakes you up. And says hey, guess what, this isn't really happening for you. Things worked out okay in the end, but the pain was inflicted. The one person I thought I could go to to help me with my problems thinks I don't even have problems to begin with. "Oh you only have it cause I do." It really makes me wonder.. if she really felt the things she said. I don't know if things will ever be the same. I dont think I can go to her anymore, knowing that she doesn't even believe me. So I'm back to defending this all myself.

I keep rethinking it over and over in my head. How it happened. Why it happened. How people don't even fucking understand. it's always the same thing. No one understands. Calls me a creep, because the only way I felt comfortable was by talking to you. Because just knowing that I'm not alone in my hell.. makes me feel more content with where I am. But that's in the past.

I dunno what to do anymore. I try to think positive. I try to look up. I try to face reality. I tried to create a fantasy. I don't know what to do anymore. It's easy to say go out and change things.. And as much as I would love to do it... I just never  can push myself to do it. I really don't know why.. I don't understand myself anymore. I don't even remember who I am anymore... who am I?