So like, this week has been really stressful. me and marissa are having tough times right now, and honestly I have full right to be upset about the situation. I won't say just what all happened, because I'm going to try to forget about it. I'm gonna keep marissa around for now, mainly because a, I still care... and b, shes fun... in MANY MANY ways. I know that sounds bad, but like... apparently shes ok with it..ya, never... ever, get involved with someone who has a history of sleeping around.. and thats probably bad to say, because I'm sure some people will get offended by that, but its hard to trust someone when they have a history like that.. because well, you try to help them change, and they don't. It's that simple.

On the bright side, I started to realize how much bullshit was in  my music. Like, my ideas are amazing, I just add shit for no reason. So I've looked over all of what I have. And I've changed a LOT of it. I'm thinking a lot more like a musician now, and writing what I think should go next, then just writing stuff in for the sake of it. I'm far from complete, and some stuff probalby needs some editing, but I now have a basic idea behind each song and what I want to do with it. I'm trying to make each song have its own style to it, but also have the idea that you  know it's written by me. Hopefully, I succeed through this. So far, it seems to be working. I don't think any of my songs are the same. I just think I may have to scrap one song.. the acoustic cut "you will be proud of me".. or make it electric. which always has been a possibility.

Finally, work.. I'm debating on going to produce nights. I have today to decide. Sunday and monday ights off, but I get like upgrades every night basically, and LOAs too bascially, which is always good to leave early if I feel like it. But with an upgrade I usually don't want to leave haha. I have too much fun on those. It seems like a good idea to me, and I don't see why I would turn it down to be honest. I really think it's worth going back to where I started. I would start at 10 and get off at 6.. guess dad would be pissed at me haha.. gotta wake up even earlier. but sleep earlier too so it seems good to me.

oh one last thing, because I need to remind tabs.. I'm gonna take July 10th off.. I think it's july 10th.. I'm gonna hand in the sheet tomorrow. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO! let me know asap! I'm already pushing it by handing in the sheet now haha. If I don't get the day off I'll just call in sick. haha. back to step 2 .. or 3.. whatever works haha.

ok off to sleep I go. Probably will wake up atound 3-4ish.. its time to be the fun egotistical Calvin that I've become to love about myself.

so it seems, the wonderful, amazing winner Calvin, really isn't what he appears to be.. just a person who loses yet again. You'd think something good would happen for me, but once again, even when it looked like I was winning, I still lose. I guess I'm just not as valuable as I thought I was..

meh, I'm bored.. and I actually think I want to know who all  actually still has meaning to me so, I figured I'd do this. People that still have meaning to me and why.. or something. I dunnno, I have way too much time on my hands.. in  really no particular order.. bascially whoever comes to mind first.

Well first would have to be Deb.. or Tabs! Fun to hang around, and always is willing to be there when needed. I think shes one of the only people left in Cambridge or Kitchener that I actually care to hang with. Anyone else basically can fuck themselves. There really isn't much to say but that I'm glad she suddenly appeared online everyday when I started to have troubles with Amanda back in Sept. Wow, its amazing how that actually wasn't too long ago, and yet.. it feels so much longer.

Next to mind is Melissa.. another person I grew a lot closer to through getting past Amanda. And I've met some cool people through Melissa too. She'll probably not see this, or anything without a mindsay wont' see it, but I'm sure she knows I'm greatful to have her around.

Marissa... even if we aren't gonna get into a relationship, we both agreed we want nothing to change between us. And I hope it stays that way, although I'd be lying if I said I only wanted to be friends. Theres something about her that brings me up a notch with my confidence.

I have a lot of people who I haven't met.. but I plan to meet. Kelsey and Sammy both fall into that category. Kelsey is a friend of Amanda, who I actually didn't mean through Amanda exactly. She was suppose to go to Bully Talent with us.. but couldn't show. She always was onmy myspace, and when I had a bad day, she bascially stepped up and told me to chill out.. we've been pretty awesome ever since. And then theres Sammy.. oh how I miss Sammy to death.. I wish her bf would just die.. sounds rude, but when someone is jealous of you, and basically orders his gf to not talk to you.. you get bitter.

There is Tricia too, but I'll never meet her, she lives in Indiana. But she is one of those people you just don't forget. We don't talk often anymore, but I think we're still as close as we always have been. It's good to have someone like that.

I honestly have ran out of names. There are more people I know, but most aren't like... CLOSE friends. And some of them I'm pissed at and they dont' deserve to be up there. I wish I had more friends that I could depend on. Because a lot of them well, are going away it seems. Especially around this area where I actually live. There also is a chance I just forgot someone, but that probably means they just aren't like, that close to me. but I could be to them.. who knows.

A lot of shit happened this week. I went form having one of the best times of my life at grand bend, to making a  relationship official, to her saying shes not ready to start one two days later. I realize why this is now, and its most certainly not what I thought so at first. But it's made me kinda iffy on the situation, and I'm not sure what I want to do about it.. I could wait it out, and hope things work out, or I can expect things to fall apart. I'm kinda expecting things to fall apart.. I don't want to.. but shes kinda making it sound that way.. so I don't know really. It sucks too because I actually have started to really care for her.. and I REALLY think it could be fun to be with her.. but I guess its the way things go.. I'm not going to kill myself over it, I'm mainly will just look passed it.

Hopefully, she'll commit to one soon. She'll realize just what I am to her, and we'll be together. Thats in a perfect world.. But I'm doubting it.. but I'll wait around to see how it goes anyways.. I just hope if ht does fall apart I don't end up falling for her more then I already have started to.

I got trained for loading at work.. annoying ass shit, guy puts me under pressure at times.. and I rush and forget shit. I'll be so much better off on my own.

I don't really have anything else to say. This week hasn't been the best week.. it started out so good.. then kinda died off. I'mnot sure how I feel about things to be honest right now.

god forbid for once I actually can have a good thing last. Instead I get the "I dunno if I'm ready shit." Of course, this happens to me. I've been there, I've done it all. I did everything I could, but I guess its just not enough. You just can't trust people. Your alone in this world really. Its a big giant game, in which you'll never win no matter how hard you try. I can't believe I actually though I could change this person.. I'll seriously be 100% amazed now if this turns out to be her actually feeling afraid again, or if shes just teasing me.. frankly I don't think I want to know.. and good old me just had to get attached to her. Gotta love it. I complete waste of time, but what else is new. Its not like this isnt' the first time I've lost someone who I felt close to... not saying I have actaully lost her, but its looking that way, like I said.. ill be amazed if this isn't a tease.. she doesn't even seem to care anymore.. out of the fucking blue. And I fell for it.

Of course, there is a chance im wrong, but I don't even konw if I want to know. i don't really care anymore.. i just had one of the most amazing weekends ever, and it seems that it means nothing now.. heh. She seemed like a fun person too.. I actaully thought it would be a good time.. but guess not. I hope im wrong.. I really do.. i guess I'll have to talk this over with her later.

Then again, I also could just be putting this way out of proportion... which I've done many times before. but who knows.